“When something is gone, something better is coming.”
They say, when something is gone, something better is coming. Good words to remind us that optimism is one of the keys to surviving life, isn’t it? If you know me personally, you can probably say I’m Ms. Optimist. You always see me cheerful, happy, smiling even at the cramming and difficult times. But on rare occasions that you’ve seen me snapped or crying, I’m already on the edge of everything, and my optimism can’t help me anymore. I’m only human, never perfect, just like anybody else.
2017 and 2018 were the year my heart is completely shattered. Mentally, emotionally, physically, I’m drained. I’m broken. No matter how much I remind myself that something better is coming, no matter how my heart is grieving, I ended up questioning myself, “why am I not enough?” “I did my best. Why is it still not enough?”
As stupid as it may sound, when I love, I give my everything. I do everything with love and care. I move mountains. When I commit to something, I do my best. Though regardless of it, the sad reality that is engraved in my head after all the hardships I encountered is, no matter how amazing you are, you are still replaceable. And you cannot do anything about it, such as when the person who means the world to you decides to throw everything away, including you for something more practical and convenient without saying a word.
Who wouldn’t feel like nonsense, worthless, trash with that?
To forget things, I resort to working too much during the day, and by night time I go out with my friends, drink as much as I could until I’m numb. Flirt with boys and then leave them disappointed! It was fun for me at that time. I thought what I’m doing is helping but no. At the end of the day, I go home looking drunk stupid and cry myself to sleep. The next day is another battle, but the same dumb cycle. I let myself down.
One day, (what a miracle!) I wake up and look at myself in the mirror. I begin to appreciate myself. It’s as if I finally wake up from a miserable dream. I told myself, “what am I g%d #@mn doing? I’m better than this!”
Slowly, I take my shit all together. I did more productive things—work, wellness, plan for a long term trip. Get me a new style and look. I chopped my long hair and donated it to an organization for cancer patients. And I feel good.
Then I left the Philippines to travel, to fix me, to focus on what matters, for myself, for my healing and growth. To basically move forward. Focus on myself, NOTHING ELSE.
I hop from one country to another, do worthwhile things, volunteer, have fun, and explore. Until I flew to Colombia, where I didn’t expect to find something…
A moment where you will say,
“Dear Universe, stop tiptoeing around my feelings. I don’t want to go through the same shit I had a hard time surviving and, in the end, see myself again not getting the love I deserve, the respect and right treatment I deserve. Don’t be unfair.”
Fast forward to now, I am still contemplating as this could be something different. Something I never encountered before. It started funny, but that’s what makes it incomparable to the rest. It’s pretty new, but we pass through a difficult time already, which none of us have ever imagined. I guess that’s something. Maybe I’m wrong, perhaps not. Who knows.
“But Yvette, what is it you actually found?”
I found my happy pill, the perfect to perfect kisses, the lubricant to mind-blowing sex (oops, are we all adults reading?🤭), my partner in crime like Bonnie and Clyde; I found the chords for my guitar, the right notes to my music, the right words to my essay, the right pen and paint to my art if you know what I mean.
People see the chemistry, compatibility, and the spark all over, then they ask, “are you together?” I sometimes wish he said, yes.
I just wish it is a little more clear because, to be honest, I do not know where I stand. And I hate it. It’s confusing, so I don’t know how and what to act. I have my standards, and I want to make it known, but it is impossible to relay it just like that when you two are actually nothing. The chaos starts there. Friends? More than that? What?! I do not want to rush, but do you understand the situation? So I hope I am not accused of being someone complicated because the entire us is what’s complicated.
In the alpha female world, you do not let someone put you in a non-labeled position. You do not allow the guy to play in the safe zone like, “I’m not going to put a label to this, but I want to keep you still, and let’s see what will happen eventually.” We do not want, “we have something, we are kinda together, but not really” type thing. Girl, you are in danger! (I know, right?!) Well, I am in danger! 😒
While we are in a relay and the other person is still figuring out what it is for him, I’m going to put myself in the right position, which is to step back, reflect and slow down. Part of what I learn about real love is that you are not scared to step back. Give him space. It is not that I don’t like him enough. It’s more of I love him a lot, that’s why I am saving him from the hassle and further confusion. For men, it is confusing for sure, and they have different stages of falling in love compared to women. Maybe he needs time and space? Then I’m giving that. If I’m not losing him in the process, great! But if he does, sadly, it is his choice.
It is only the first three months of 2020, but I’ve already been through a lot. I have not yet recovered then another one comes on top of another. It’s too much. I can’t afford to explain myself all the time, the cultural differences, what’s acceptable and what’s not. A little help, sensitivity, and understanding would come handy to make ends meet. But if two stubborn people decide to be stubborn at the same time, then it’s hopeless.
Before, I thought when you love someone, you will fight for it no matter what. Now, I realized it is the other way around. I’m not saying you do not fight for love, what I am saying is make sure you both are fighting for it. If it is not the case for now, then when you love someone, SET THEM FREE. Don’t be afraid to step back. Besides, just like my friend said, “what’s meant for you, will never miss you.” It might get lost along the way, but no matter what happens, it will find you. What’s for you is for you.
So until then, Mister, when you are sure and ready, hopefully, you’ll meet me where the sun touches the sea. But the Philippines has 7,641 islands, good luck finding where I could possibly be! I’ll be waiting, don’t worry. 😉
It’s Strange, I’m Finally, In love! And It Breaks My Heart 🤷♀️
A woman in the club said to him after asking who I was,
“Cut it. It is too far!”
Me: (in my head) 🙄who are you to decide? And bitch, I can hear you as clear as day!
What a remark! Sometimes people can be very insensitive, huh? 💔
Aside from people’s opinion and stereotypes that an Asian woman like me have to endure all the time, do you know how heartbreaking it is also to think that the entire future of the relationship you are trying to work out depends on an immigration officer that is hopefully in a good mood when he or she looks at your visa application? When you get declined, it is devastating.
Coming from a developing country, my passport is not as strong as the others. It is weak. But I don’t care. If there’s a will, there’s a way, right? As I soon face this visa battle, I hope the universe is with me. 🤞
Long-distance is difficult. Been there, done that. Every day, distance and not being there beside the person you care about the most, especially when he needs you, will kill you. Distance makes you paranoid. Distance takes away the time you could be spending together physically. Distance makes you insecure and frustrated. It’s heartbreaking. All that you are feeling are valid, and it is not a matter of trust issues, no. They are valid emotions that are very hard to control. We are not just talking about hundreds of kilometers. We are talking about 10,635 km or 6,620 miles! It’s day and night.
On the other hand, if the visa doesn’t matter, you all know me. Not even in a heartbeat, no thinking twice, I’ll fly to wherever my Clyde is.
What Do I Learn About Real Love?
I had a couple of long term relationships back, but I realize that it was not real love that was there, but attachment. Petty fights, jealousy, controlling, and all those that you commonly know and experience within a relationship are all part of the “attachment.” Yes, I had loved them, but it was not to the extent that we both chose to stay in love. Falling in love is easy, but staying in love is a totally different story. It is tough work, but regardless, you still keep choosing to work for it — that is real love. It takes two people wanting the same thing irrespective of rough roads.
Now that I am older, I learned that love is freeing, patient, flowing, kind, unselfish, and understanding. It doesn’t mean force nor pressure. It doesn’t control the other.
Love means being happy for the other person when he does something that makes him happy, even if it doesn’t include you.
Love isn’t afraid to express how it feels because life is unpredictable; we never know how much time we have left in this world.
Love is connection, chemistry, zeal to communicate, attention, and time.
Love is integrity. It is open, true, and honest.
Love is faithful. It surpasses loyalty.
Love is trust. It is not scared to give the other person freedom.
But love is also respectful and sensitive. It doesn’t give the other reasons to doubt and be puzzled.
Love is not scared to be alone. It doesn’t worry and is not afraid to let go.
Remember, when the person is really is for you, he will always work hard for things to work, and he will always choose you — vice versa. It is not necessary to attach an invisible rope to assure things. When you do, you are unconsciously choking the other person — this is what attachment do. The more you do this, the more you will lose the person.
So for you, who is finally in love — keep your chill. Stay patient, genuine, and keep loving. If the love that you chose to give is reciprocated, then cheers! 🥂🍻 If not, it is okay. Probably, they don’t deserve your love. It is not the end of the world. You can always choose to love again, romantically, friendly, and so on, hopefully, with the right person who wants and chooses to love you back the way you deserve it.
On the other hand, whether someone reciprocates or not, it doesn’t matter, keep trying because what better way to share our lives in this world than love, right? 😉
P.S: It’s strange. I’m in love! And I am looking forward to making it with you. À tôt!