Behind Every Smile

It is 6 A.M, August 10, 2018. I am wide awake just like most of my days…
My brain seems to not have the plan to rest from functioning. I am tired.

Every day, the moment I step out of the door I am a completely different person. Always smiling, laughing even at the silliest things, encouraging and supportive to people. I am living my best life so far. People would say my life is terrific just going places, doing what I love, having fun and socializing with people. That is true. I know I am happy, but still, I feel like something is missing. Something I don’t know.

I thought I am one of the most optimistic people on this planet. That no matter how bad every situation is, at the end of the day I can still manage to see the beauty in everything. I believe so because that is precisely how I am, before…

Have you ever experience one day, you wake up feeling lifeless, dysfunctional and miserable? You are basically alive, but you are empty. You are breathing, but it feels like you are choking. At first, I thought it is just a phase. A phase that soon enough I can surpass same like the old times but, it is haunting me. Every day I try to escape. Behind my sweet, genuine smile is a lonely me. The moment I am alone I am removing a happy mask. Most nights I cry myself to sleep. When I am alone, everything comes rushing down on me. It is heavy. Annoying that you cannot even explain to yourself what is going on. You know that you have good friends and family that will listen to you when you need them but it is hard on your part to open up. It is easy for others to say “seek help” but they don’t know how severe the battle of our brain and heart goes every time we try to reach out. I, myself don’t know how to explain, how to express what I am going through. Others who experienced this dwelled in ending their own lives. There is nothing pretty about bleeding inside. There is nothing worse than the sadness of the unknown.

Yes, I am sensitive. I try to be more sensitive to the people around me. I care too much, is it wrong? They say, do what you want others to do unto you, and I try to live with that, but it leads me to disappointment majority of the time. As a simple person, simple things matter to me. People most of the time neglect the simple things and these people are unaware that they are hurting me in a way. I overthink it. My mechanism is I distant myself. Eventually, I leave myself hanging from it. Try to pick up a small stone, then put it in an empty jar. Each time add some more small rocks. Eventually, the jar will be full and will be heavy. Same goes here. From simple things to overthinking that can lead me to question and blame myself, what did I do wrong? Am I not likable? Am I not enough? Am I not good enough? Why me? And the list goes on. Maybe some will say this is overacting, but I think, if all of us will be sensitive enough to everyone and ditch the “me, me, me” attitude, it is going to be one of the keys to humanity.

I am writing this as an outlet for myself. If you are reading this, know that I am fine, I am giving this a good fight. If you are reading this and you are experiencing the same thing, know that you are not alone. Put up a good fight and please hang in there. The future is bright for us.




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